There have been many cases where pedophiles and other adults have lured children into offline meetings and molested them. Luckily, there are even more cases when such attempts to lure a child have brought about the attention of law-enforcement groups.

I debated whether I should discuss any of these cases, because I did not want to sensationalize them. But if explaining the methods used by offenders might make parents more aware, and their children safer, it's worth it.

Cyberpredators, just like their offline counterparts, usually aren't the scary, hairy monsters in trench coats we imagine standing on a dark street corner. Many are the kind of person you would be inviting to your home as a guest, and often have. They are pediatricians, teachers, lawyers, clergy, vice cops, welfare workers, journalists, Boy Scout leaders, baseball coaches, scientists, etc. They are almost always men. (Sometimes women are accomplices, but rarely are women the molesters.) They are often articulate and well educated. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors, and they can be very rich or out of work. But they have one thing in common: they want your child.

Most of us are sickened at the thought of an adult having sexual relations with a child, but to be able to protect our children, we must get into the mind of the predator.

First of all, predators often don't see themselves as predators. They see themselves as loving partners with the children they molest. To them this isn't rape, it's a seduction. They even see themselves as merely "dating young." And, as with any seduction, it's a slow and painstaking process. Predators have been known to wait more than two years, collecting data on a particular child, before striking. Although, some set up meetings within a matter of days. That's what makes them hard to detect. They don't appear to your child to be dangerous.

An FBI agent who shared a panel with me recently said it best: "Before the Internet, these people had to get physically close to your children. They had to lurk near schoolyards, or playgrounds. Kids would see them. Adults would see them. It was a dangerous situation to be in for them, because everyone would notice an adult male lurking around children. They often had to take jobs and volunteer positions that allowed them to work with children in a position of trust in order to reach their victims. Now, however, the personal risks the pedophiles had to expose themselves to in order to be around children are gone. Now they can be 'one of the kids' and hang out with your kids online without exposing themselves. As long as they don't say or do something in the public room that makes them stand out, they can stay there forever, taking notes."

Many of them do. Predators have been known to create large databases on children. They track the children's likes and dislikes. They track information such as whose parents are divorced, who doesn't like their father's new girlfriend or their mother's boyfriend, or who likes computer games or a particular rock group. Kids often share personal information about their lives in chat rooms or on profiles. The predators use this information to gain your child's trust and friendship. This is one reason why they shouldn't share personal information online.

How do the sexual predators get our children to want to meet them offline? They begin by striking up a conversation with the child, trying to create a relationship of trust and friendship. They often masquerade as another child or teenager, typically of the opposite sex, unless the child has indicated homosexual interests. The child may or may not know the "seducer's" real age by the time they meet face-to-face. Phone calls usually start at this point. Sometimes gifts are sent to the child as well, which may include a digital camera (or Polaroid camera and film).

Once they have broken down barriers of caution, predators begin introducing sexual topics gradually, often with the use of child pornography to give the child the impression that other children are regularly involved in sexual activities. Then they begin to approach the child's own sexuality and curiosity, by asking questions and giving them "assignments," like wearing special underwear, sending sexually suggestive photos of themselves to the pedophile, or performing certain sexual acts. These assignments eventually broaden to the exchange of sexually explicit photographs  or videos of the child.

Finally, the pedophile attempts to arrange a face-to-face meeting. He may also have divulged his true age or an age closer to his actual age at this point.

What Can Parents Do?

Knowing if your child is lonely and has problems making friends is the first sign that the child may fall prey to a pedophile or cyberpredator. Predators can spot lonely children. They can also spot kids who are new online and may not yet know all the rules. Pedophiles befriend these kids and patiently build trust and a relationship - looking toward the day when they can meet face-to-face. Parents should be involved in their children's online friendships--nonitoring their online lives--just as you supervise their offline lives

Encourage your children to make online friends, but keeping the computer in a central location and learning about their online friends is an important way to avoid these secret relationships. Education is important in avoiding this danger, too.  So is control over incoming and outgoing information when younger children are involved, using technology blockers, monitors, and filters. These kinds of situations can be avoided if you plan ahead, educate and communicate with your children, and keep your eyes open.

Parry Aftab is a noted online safety and privacy expert, and Executive Director of WiredSafety.org.